EJ Mason

Dreams

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I thought I’d already said everything I needed to say to you, but here we are.

I dream that I get to meet her, that nice girl you married. what do you think? you ask me. i like her, I say, because I do. i’m glad, you say. she reminds me so much of you.

I dream that we’re walking in the tall grass. I’m carrying the radio. There’s a song, but I don’t remember the words. You have a machete so you can clear a path. You don’t need a machete – nobody needs a machete – you just want to look cool. You toss your machete into the air, you cut the sun right in half, you catch the handle in your fist. Cool. We talk until nightfall, but I’m never sure if you hear a word I say. There was a time I would have let you cut off any piece of me that you wanted. I would have let you swallow me whole, right there in the field. I would’ve stitched the sun together with my bare hands just to get you to look back at me, even once.

How does that song go again? I dream each night of some version of you that I never had, but I did not lose. No, that’s not it. What do you care how the song goes, anyway? What do you care about these dreams?

I dream that I get to tell you about everything you’ve missed. It’s a quiet night. No more radio; just us and the crickets. You’re kicking the porch swing for the both of us. i almost died, I say. are you doing better now? you ask me. yeah, I say, because it’s what you would have wanted. You reach over and squeeze my leg. it’s not fair, I say. i’m the one who didn’t want to be here and you’re the one who had to go.

I dream, even, about telling you the truth. The bonfire is dying, but you’re still roasting marshmallows. I have my knees pulled up to my chest; I’m watching the embers because I can’t bear to look at you. I say i love you and you say i know, because I never could keep a secret. so what now? i say. what else is there? you reason. You press a marshmallow into my hand and say i love you, too. In the dream, I believe you. I do. I do.